


smile

by whoopsydaisie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, POV Castiel (Supernatural), This is experimental, i finally fixed the formatting can i get a wahoo lads?, jack kline is mentioned - Freeform, ooof okay here we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 05:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20420621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoopsydaisie/pseuds/whoopsydaisie
Summary: Castiel reminisces about the evolution of a Winchester smile.





	smile

**Author's Note:**

> i am SAD i want the winchesters to be HAPPY

I have watched the Winchester's for a very long time. Since the day Mary Winchester found out she was having a child -a brilliant smile lighting up the room as she told her friends - I have listened to the conversations surrounding and commenced by the two Winchester men. I have even taken part in a few of them. I have followed them and I have seen them endure the most agonizing conditions and come out smiling. I miss the relieved smiles they used to get after going through a tragedy - those smiles that simply said, "I am so glad you and I are still alive".

  
Smiles used to come freely. They were given without hesitation, often accompanied by a victory, seeing an old friend, or even just a joke. Simple jokes, chicken crossing the road type jokes, were almost always met with an endearing smile whether they were funny or not. Feeling _anything_ was freer then. Then they would cry and only feel a little ashamed. On the rare occasion Dean cried, he would always say to himself that it was warranted - he had earned this. Sam only ever felt ashamed when crying in front of John. John would hit him and tell him to wisen up, be a man, then Dean would take him outside, buy his little brother a coke and wait until Sam felt brave enough to look up again.

  
"Okay, George Bailey, you ready to go back inside?"

  
_It's a Wonderful Life_ was Mary's favorite.

  
Dean gained a skill many adults acquire when he was eleven. He learned how to clench his jaw, twitch his nose, and act aloof or annoyed when he really felt like bursting into tears. He convinced John that he didn't care he was leaving. Dean would watch out for Sammy and make sure he could get as many smiles out of the kid as possible. However, I am telling you about smiles, so excuse me as I try to get back on topic.

  
Something you must understand about Dean is that he's very creative. He calls it "improvising" and he has a gift for doing so. The TV didn't work in one of the motels they stayed at when they were younger, so Dean "improvised" and somehow made a homemade chutes and ladders while Sam constructed a fort using towels, blankets, and a few unstable chairs. That night didn't have more than one minute that wasn't gifted with a smile.

  
Smiles aren't always good things in the Winchester history. Often a smile is revealed to actually be a yellow eyed demon possessing someone. A different time, Sam had a smile that was too cocky. Too sure of himself. Too much like Lucifer. The thing about the Winchester's is that truly, nothing is sacred.

  
Sam doesn't smile like he used to. He can't. He's attempted several times, but it always comes out strained and cracked. A shadow of what he used to do in the shell of who he used to be. His smiles, however, are not always so faked or forced. They're different, but this doesn't make them any less real. His smiles, his real smiles, are soft. They aren't sunshine anymore, trading out that blinding, overwhelming warmth for something more akin to a hot chocolate on a rainy day. They're soft and if you aren't watching, waiting to see them like me, you'll miss them. They're still there, even if Sam himself believes they are not.

  
Dean's smiles have reservations now. They are not available to just anyone, and you must tell him well in advance if you wish to receive one. Not literally, of course, but if your name is not Sam Winchester, you may just have to take a seat and wait in line if you have hopes of seeing the rare Dean Winchester smile. In my experience, you wouldn't really want one anyways. Now instead of being full of happiness or being used to charm someone, the smiles are acidic and even to Dean they taste like gravel. His smiles are genuine, but the meaning they hold is angry, sardonic, and bitter. He traded out his once hypnotizing smiles for instead giving people cups of coffee unprompted or putting a careful hand on his brother's shoulder. As it's always been with Dean, actions speak louder than words.

  
Smiles mean something different to each other now, too. Dean's smiles mean _danger danger run_ to Sam as they are often accompanied by a fist or words that hurt just as much. Sam's smiles mean _liar_ to Dean. Somewhere along the way they changed how they love each other. Dean does what he thinks is best for Sam by ignoring Sam's cries for help and forcing Sam to submit to what Dean thinks is best. Sam loves his brother by keeping his mouth shut about everything - unless it's Dean blaming himself for something - then Sam _has_ to speak up. It isn't natural anymore, it's an obligation and a habit. If the world is not going to love Sam and Dean Winchester, it is up to them to love each other.

  
I have watched the Winchester's for a very long time. I have watched them grow into being intelligent, bright eyed children to being happy (or as close as they can get), confident young men to being the angry, sad husks they are now. Sam and Dean are still there, and they are just as much the things they were when they were younger, they just forgot along the way.

  
After watching the Winchester's for such a long time, somewhere along the way I felt the need (and was ordered) to introduce myself. Dean did not greet me with a smile, he didn't even greet me with a "hello". He did, however, try killing me, which is, I have learned, a customary Winchester greeting. Sam, however, did smile as he shook my hand and looked at me with so much gratefulness that it took my breath away for a moment. I have been known to the Winchester's for over a decade now. I have seen their smiles at their brightest and I have watched them dim to the state they are now. I didn't know that I, too, could smile until I met them and I tried it. I like smiling, and I like smiling with the Winchester's.

  
So, as I sat at that table with a bottle of whisky in my hand and tears in my eyes, I watched the Winchester's smiles. They were genuine and sad as Dean knocked back another swallow of alcohol and Sam simply stared at his empty glass, a soft thinking expression on his face. I learned then, while mourning our son with anguish in my heart and a smile on my face that smiles don't always signify happiness. Smiles are a universal sign of grief, anger, annoyance, and unbridled joy. I'm glad the Winchester's taught me that.


End file.
